How to Reconnect With Your Spouse When You’re Both Exhausted
My husband and I have reached the stage of life where our actual conversations are about our girls' ideal potty routines and what the “output” should look like. We used to watch the same TV shows and do happy hours on patios. Now, you're tellin' me we're dissecting someone else’s bowel movements?? Very sexy stuff.
And yes, those conversations need to happen because we're ~parents~ now. But when most of your conversations are about the kids, the dinner menu, schedules, and what needs to get done, you can talk to your partner every day and still miss actually hanging out together.
You know what’s happening in your household. You might be less sure what’s happening with each other.
Opposite can exist. You can love your routine and still miss having fun together.
There’s a lot to like about a predictable life. You know what to expect, you have systems that (mostly) work, and you don’t have to reinvent the entire evening every day.
But often, the things you used to enjoy together quietly disappear.
I've seen this happen in my own marriage, so just know this is coming from someone who knows the professional and personal side of this. The TV shows we loved together became two separate phone screens. A conversation over drinks becomes a conversation about who’s picking up milk. You finally get the kids to bed, sit down, and realize you have almost nothing left to give.
You can appreciate the life you’ve built and still want more laughter, affection, or time together. Those feelings can exist at the same time.
I know the classic go-to is planning an elaborate date night. But before that, ask yourself: What do I actually miss?
Maybe it’s flirting, or just being listened to without someone also unloading the dishwasher. How about having a conversation that doesn’t require either of you to make a decision? Getting specific gives you something you can actually ask for.
When date night has to make up for everything
I don't know about you, but when my husband & I finally have an opportunity to do something without our daughters, I feel like we need to live it up. We need to enjoy EVERY minute, it needs to be worth the planning and the childcare and the effort, and basically it has to go perfectly.
Then one minor inconvenience happens, and suddenly I feel like the whole thing is ruined. It can be that we were 15 minutes late getting out of the house or it could be that the restaurant no longer offers that handcrafted Moscow Mule I saw on Instagram that I was so excited for.
My expectations can get so high that the actual night barely gets a chance.
If you can relate, consider what you’re asking one evening to accomplish. Are you hoping to relax, catch up, flirt, have a great meal, AND feel completely connected again, all before the sitter leaves?
That’s a lot for a dinner reservation to carry.
Before you go, try sharing one thing you’re hoping for: “I’d really like to laugh with you tonight,” or “I want some time to catch up without interruptions.”
And if something goes sideways, ask: What could still make the rest of tonight enjoyable?
You’re allowed to be disappointed. You can also leave room for the evening to have a good moment after a frustrating one.
Here's how to reconnect with your spouse when you’re both tired.
The point is to find room for each other in the life you actually have. Start with one of these!
1) Give the household meeting a stopping point.
The logistics matter. Handle what needs handling, then deliberately change the subject.
“Anything else we need to figure out for tomorrow? Okay, how are you doing?”
You don’t need to ban conversations about the kids. Just notice whether those are the only conversations you’re having.
2) Ask about something you haven’t already witnessed.
You may know your partner went to work, picked up the kids, and made dinner. You might not know what was frustrating, funny, or weighing on them.
Try:
“What’s been on your mind today?”
“What was the best part of your day?”
“Anything you’ve been wanting to tell me?”
Listen without immediately turning the answer into another problem to solve. You can ask whether they want ideas or just want to talk.
3) Bring back one thing you actually enjoyed.
For us, that might mean watching the same show again or finding time to sit outside together.
Think about what you used to like. One episode, a familiar playlist, or ten minutes outside can be a starting point.
Choose something you both enjoy. An activity that sounds romantic but feels like homework to either of you probably won’t be the thing you look forward to!
4) Make a small invitation earlier in the day.
A text can give you something to anticipate. If you're even remotely thinking about your partner during the day when you're apart, text them! It can be super simple, like:
“Want to hang out after bedtime?”
“I miss sitting outside with you. Want to do that tonight?”
Keep it realistic! An invitation can be adjusted if someone is exhausted or bedtime goes sideways. It doesn’t have to become another promise you’ve failed to keep.
5) Say what you miss, even if it feels a little awkward.
“I miss us” might be true. A more specific version can help your partner understand what you mean.
“I miss laughing with you.”
“I’d like us to spend some time together without talking about the schedule.”
“I miss feeling like we’re interested in what’s going on with each other.”
If sharing those feelings is the hard part, my Safe Vulnerability Practices resource offers a way to practice opening up and expressing yourself more clearly!
Reconnecting needs participation from both of you
Talk about what helps each of you feel connected, and how you can both make room for it. Taking turns initiating can be part of that conversation.
And pay attention to what happens when you reach out! If your attempts are repeatedly dismissed, or the distance includes ongoing disrespect or unresolved hurt, a shared TV show won’t address the whole issue. That deserves a more direct conversation and potentially support.
For a rut built around busy days and repetitive routines, though, you can start small. Keep coming back to this question any time you find yourself in that place:
What’s one thing you miss doing together, and would your partner know that you miss it?
Knowing what you miss is one thing. Saying it out loud can feel a little more awkward. If you could use some practice opening up, my Safe Vulnerability Practices exercise can help you take small steps toward sharing what you’re feeling and what matters to you.
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Greta Strickland, MS
Licensed Professional Counselor
Greta has managed her own private practice in Blue Springs, MO since 2015 providing therapy to high-achieving women who struggle with anxiety and perfectionism. When she's not working, you can find Greta watching Big Brother with her husband, singing made up songs to her daughters, and sneaking "people food" to their golden retriever.
